I’ve been running,
fleeing, from the emotional bones of my past
for as long as I can remember.
Too scared to face their presence,
to stop, to look,
I know not when the first bone broke,
why it fractured,
What shattered my previous emotion.
But I can run without my bones,
move forward, I’m strong,
I’ve inherited this notion.
I don’t know why they broke,
Why they fell
Fear of hurting others?
avoidance of my truth?
One bone soon became two
over the years.
But on I ran, a determined face,
anything but consumption
of rage and tears.
You see I wasn’t brave,
no warrior of love.
I replaced the bones with that from others,
energies from above.
And when they couldn’t hold the weight
, I’d lose another bone.
Slowly and surely shaking it off
onward I would drone.
Through time I’ve hobbled on,
my run now a limping tussle.
You see I forgot, my bones support all I am,
my organs blood and muscle.
And here I am, crippled,
struggling within my “prime”.
Running with my skeleton,
separate, tied to my ankle,
running out of time.
I can’t seem to shake it,
I’ve healed, cleansed, and ignored.
I’m not sure if I can take it,
the eruptions and rationales,
from where “it’s” stored.
I hear it clanking,
right when I “think” all is well,
when I “think” I should “be happy”.
I’d assumed the noise would stop,
that through the “work” I’d done,
my bones would let me be.
But on they stir,
and on I run,
fearful of what they have to say
.I’ll move house, change my job,
block, be brave, continue,
until they go away.
I’ll fit in,
have appropriate responses,
be the mother, partner, woman
I have come to hold dear.
I’ll ignore the pain,
he insatiable longing,
while the bones come ever near.
But this doesn’t work,
and louder they become.
And the more bones
I continue to lose,
the harder it is to run.
Taller than me now,
engulfing me within their shadow
.I’ve tried all there is!
An untrue statement…I know.
I turn to face the stench of the past,
not to fix, heal or remove.
The stretch marks of expected potential,
raw with each groove.
Odd, childlike, wild, mad,
unacceptable and free,
flowing like the ocean,
matching all it needs to see.
I can not run anymore
and in truth,
I don’t run fast.
I can not keep escaping
the gritty bones
of my past.
It’s time to hold them now,
and place them
within my skin.
Lovingly accept myself,
place meat on the bones
find the lost me within.
I give no explanation,
no reason, for how I feel.
What I experience,
or how I’m “meant” to be.
I’ve just decided to stop running,
hiding from what’s real.
I hope you understand,
I’ve decided to stop running from me.
Kirsty Ward 2017
Twenty years ago I had decided to become a Midwife.
That’s a lie.
I chose to become a nurse for children, to care for them until they could return to their own Mother.
I was “too late”
Overdue, I realised in honesty I had considered this role for my mother, being unable to do so herself, I longed for her life spent entirely around us to not be “in vain”- that I wasn’t enough for such a sacrifice.
True success requires sacrifice
I fell into midwifery.
Closing my eyes, one day, swirling my finger in the matrix of what was the UCAS folder, I “chose” this role.
It chose me.
We chose wisely.
She’s the kind of queen that knows her crown isn’t on her head but in her soul
Throughout our gestation together, this honourable Soul purpose has continued to grow, nurtured from physical to spiritual and now it appears a combination of both.
Perfect for next years Temperance and Hierophant energy- assisting others to “crown” themselves with their own Divinity.
I now deliver Souls.
Reading for readers.
Holding ceremony for Elders
I am and always have been a Midwife- married to the sacredness of all things united.
Facilitating wise women with training on so many levels as part of an online establishment https://www.facebook.com/groups/200334081120129
Death is not the greatest loss in life
The greatest loss is what dies inside whilst still alive.
This weekend I am to “give it all up” and return to the Mother.
My own, receiving radiotherapy has over the last weeks and months, stirred a new love affair within me.
That has come from being “more than enough”
Compassion, empathy, healing, and the vision of who I/we are, united, not separate alongside the trauma this belief has caused.
I am so grateful and will spend this New moon showing that.
To the release of all that stood in the way of this relationship as I, alongside a group of incredible Priestesses, descend to the Underworld.
The Dark Goddess.
Finally pushing out a course that empowers her children to return not only back to the womb, but who they have always been alongside a workbook (you can find the seed of which here- https://1drv.ms/b/s!Avw1Ttyq5RPIjV2v8HRib9LghO7R?e=PVfCGS) and daily lives- on so many levels we have today embraced the Rainbow Serpent beneath, within and above us.
Reborn as Deities.
Source in human form.
Following the ultimate end of who we be-lie-ve we are.
We are who people think we are
If you had mentioned the thought of this to my 15-year-old self- “boozed up”- home “less” covered in, then shocking piercings- thrown out of the educational establishment having attempted suicide I would have scoffed to your face and secretly felt such pride that someone had seen beyond the obvious.
Had felt me, my pain, without making it about them.
Heard me, my cries, without speaking over them.
Witnessed me, my deliverance, without taking the credit.
But no one did.
So I thought.
Woman calling and hearing- water scorpio
There was always a voice.
Not shying away or shunning but holding me when I would quietly scream.
I just didn’t know “her name”
There is always one true inner voice.
As the years rolled on, I soon discovered the only way to deliver my potential was to be me.
Something I often reply when asked “what do I do”
I have many labels (https://kirstydignam.co.uk/) but Midwifery is who I AM.
If I am being totally authentic, I do smile inside at the frustration and recognise the analytical need to find a word, a “tag”, a way to comprehend and therefore believe there is a mutual resonance.
Yet it is the observation of all these creations within the individual that actually brings them closer, not only to what “I do” but also who they are and what they are looking for.
Beyond the expectations.
It is here, I/we do what we do.
Birth our potential.
We are not perfect human beings, nor do we have to pretend to be, but it is necessary for us to be the best versions we can be.
We can often avoid this.
Believe we are doing it to the best of our ability, in reality, most of us are.
Happy or at times reluctant to hand over the conception we have held and created; we seek out Obstetric aid.
Looking for answers we do as told remaining in the deepest of shadows, the illusion that others know us better than ourselves.
The more we refuse to listen to the voice within us.
The further we descend.
Forgetting her name, that it is actually ours.
Falling apples ladder and steps goddess pics
Unable to climb out of the illusion we live a half-life, torn between physical, spiritual, masculine, feminine, good, bad, them, us.
Whatever you think you need to get there is whats obscuring your being here
A place that becomes familiar, comfortable, the more we fill rather than feel until eventually we are submerged in the waters, unable to break free, desperate for artificial intervention.
Many, when it arrives, see this assistance as exactly what was needed, handing over the very things that make them “ME” including for some, their physical vessels to addictive behaviour, so they can remain dis-empowered within the collective consciousness.
Who would not want to.
After so long seeking answers outside, refusing to go with- in and ultimately going with-out, we can often falsely acknowledge compassion for narcissism.
Fear the very death required to birth.
The alternative is to fit into the “norm” and as old paradigms are finally, not collapsing but evolving- paradigms in themselves become limits-this upgrade to stand in who we are and deliver our Soul’s blueprint can and will be heard, louder, with more pain
The world exists how you perceive it
It’s not what you see but how you see it
Not what you hear but how you hear it
Not what you feel but how you feel it
Whilst we can make this about us.
Refuse to witness.
Cover our hearts to not hear.
There is no escaping the sound resonating within the very Earth we are creating.
The labour pains
Complications of what was once a natural process.
Cries, evident through our very bones and the blood of our Ancestors, asking us to remember her.
The Divine Feminine.
When the female voice is stifled an entire community can easily find themselves cut off from the Sacred Feminine, depriving themselves of the full image of god.
Not the buzz of the Word but the vibration of her obstructed labour in so many.
I am discovering more and more Midwives arriving, yet as my own husband pointed out last night, the midwifery system itself is under review.
Watching a documentary on Midwife toads ironically masculine – I can’t help but agree with him and Sir David Attenborough.
It is time to look at our actions.
To feel them within us not separate.
To be in right relations with each other and ourselves.
You are enough.
You were born being enough.
Nothing you ever say or do will add or subtract from who you are.
Unable to provide sufficient space for this- many creations of life are not surviving.
Rotten apples children with apples evil wome ruined earth pics
Unfortunately regardless of whether it is in the hospital or Spiritual community-rather than look at the training available- it is the very creators, the parents that are being “blamed and shamed”
Demanding they look further
All of which points to the opposite
Failure from not being enough.
A lack of empathy and compassion essential to birth the light, the Sacred Union.
Holy Mother and child.
Here we truly feel the call, the wound of the Divine Feminine.
It is not until we witness her, within us and all around in the myths and stories woven through time that we can recognise what is required as co-creators.
Well done is better than well said.
There is an advanced way of creating, a collective collaboration wishing to be concieved for so many right now- but it will require unmasking the hidden darkness within us https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUZ70yInOtE
Until then, words are all we will ever know.
Goddess calling holding apple pic
Like a detached unresponsive birthing partner this will merely break down any form of communication between us and her.
Refusing to change position be it view , beliefs, the things we hold “dear” become very expensive to humanity.
Until it is her agonising screams that wake us from our slumber.
Only then will we be “woke” not externally but to our own truth, hers.
There is two sides to her journey.
Woman in pain squashed apple pic and scorpio
Something that will be evident this New moon in Scorpio.
The final of three Super new moons and eclipses, leading up to the Solstice we are being asked to descend one last time into the Underworld.
To find a space that is held and Sacred where we can be witnessed, not feared, or fixed but accepted.
So this, us, we can be reflected back to the visions we may have forgotten.
We are always held.
By Eden, the great Mother.
We have always been enough.
True love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
George Michael and Mary J Blige
It is time to pay.
Remove the armour around our hearts and open them to her voice.
To release our stories so we can speak of hers.
To truly embody the sacredness of the Dark Goddess, only then can we narrate the nativity albeit with humility of the Divine Feminine and her deliverance of the sacred masculine.
Share with people who have the right to hear your story
Today I hadnt even realised the New Moon was in Scorpio.
Passionately believing it to be in Sagittarius all the insight regarding this week felt firm, focused, relevant to Temperance the related Tarot card, the Midwife!
I had it.
Structure, plans, and the arrogance of Inanna believing I knew what was for my highest good.
The result- a power cut.
Too many apples goddess and god pic
Having spent yesterday’s live on my phone due to “poor connection” I remained in my bedroom, smaller on the screen, discussing the Masculine.
The Feminine is both.
Like the Sacred Masculine this is what makes her divine.
Yet when wafted around like a favourable scent , separate, used and abused to explain why “things happen” What we do” Who we are” the actions behind our very steps become blurred.
When the Sacred Masculine is joined with the Sacred Feminine inside each of us, we create the Sacred marriage of compassion and passion inside ourselves.
No longer accountable for our masculine, we experience delays and interventions that are and were totally unnecessary.
Man holding apple and woman pic
Without “him” we cannot hold space for “his-story” leaving us like Ereshkigal, in a state of rage ready to glance and destroy anyone that so dare to actually see us.
All this time I have questioned- well- time.
Including that of the Dark Goddess!
Starting her journey in a private group on Facebook I debated the lunar energy behind it and how often it would occur.
Now I know the moon is in Scorpio, in relation to Death our descent on the 13th, time in the Underworld on the 14th and ascension on the 15th feels, unsurprisingly, perfect.
Alongside the realisation or rather request that it will be one of many.
Directed by the collective consciousness.
The fruit of life.
Millions saw the apple fall but Newton asked why
So many hold it in their hands, their being, the very wheels within their energy centres.
Rainbow snake, chakras, snake apple picture
But like Sacrificial apple held by Eve, once the ripeness of existence is tasted, we question all we have been fed.
We debate our feelings, intuition, her and become disconnected to the Mother within us all creating from a place of separation.
We find “reasons” to question this “inner dependence”
What will come of my identity
What of my vision
What of my story
What of my relationships
What of my purpose
What of my creations
What of my security
What is this
Until we are reminded, to be quiet, to listen that, “the ways of the underworld are perfect.
They may not be questioned.’
It is only with this surrender that we are worthy of transition, Pachakutti – Heaven on Earth- Eden- The womb-in truth a space we never really left.
When they show you their true colours don’t try and paint a pretty picture with it
Next year we are being gifted an opportunity to cross the rainbow bridge.
The space beyond duality.
Rainbow, scorpio, goddess picture
Made of all colours and frequencies.
Where all creation resides.
Within ourselves so deeply that we must enter the very seven gates of our Chakras.
In their purest form.
Releasing all that keep them closed.
Allowing this to die now.
To be reborn in March alongside the Earth’s natural cycles.
Food for the body is not enough there must be food for the Soul
The path of Self Mastery
Inner light -enment
Goddess pics, white apples etc
A road as old as time with just as many travellers and maps.
Christ, breaking bread, and wine, drinking of his body and blood, crucified yet reborn.
Psyche- the soul, finally realising she is in love with love itself- Cupid/Eros traveling to the Underworld for the box of beauty in order to find it was within her all along.
Persephone often perceived as naïve deciding ( in my view) to discover her shadow by embracing the Death of her innocence and sacredness of Union.
Finally Inanna, destroying her sister’s husband, the Masculine, through revenge and not getting “what is hers” traveling to Death and facing her consequences, releasing all that has given her power including her story, over to her sister who conceives and delivers only in the eyes of compassion and empathy.
The bread and water of life.
The body grows by food and work, the mind by use, and the Soul through joy and pain.
Whatever seeds we plant there is an underlying “rot”
A natural cycle
Rotting apples, seeds, woman pic
A wheel or will that continues to turn and develop the very world we live in.
Impregnated with the past this month speaks of a final pick of what we want to “consume” in 2021.
We can go willingly or fall, like the apple, it is up to us but in reality, we are going anyway.
Military glory- that attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood, that serpent’s eye that charms to destroy.
We can judge the prophecies of the Rainbow Serpent, argue amongst our Rainbow tribe’s and even the National Health Service on so many levels.
It doesn’t matter we are always becoming what we are destined to be.
Snake, goddess, apple pic
Clearing and rising into Ascension on the Earth, we are the very stories woven into her matrix.
We are our own predictions including the second coming that so many have spoken of.
Not outside of ourselves that would leave us separate from the Dark goddess.
Not purely feminine.
Beyond that now.
The Sacred Union.
Christ NAticvity mary Goddess pics
The immaculate conception.
Between ourselves and Pachamama.
The fruit of the Divine Feminine.
Take only what you need and leave the land as you found it
It is only by truly looking at the guidance within us, our hands now, the moral morsel taken from the tree of “life” in the coming weeks that we can feed ourselves and each other.
There is enough apples to go around (https://www.facebook.com/systemsbustersunite/videos/1491313967589428)
With this Ayni-arrow our aim for the Solstice can become clear.
Pic of apple and arrow and solstice
Towards what we genuinely want, not just for ourselves but the World we long to deliver as her First “Wo-man”
This weekend gives us as always, a chance to pause in the stillness of the new, not to create again, but to stop, listen, be with her and the things we need to hear about ourselves.
When the beauty of your Soul kisses your heart, you will know true love.
It’s bliss and unconditional sweetness will leave you forever changed.
Through our emotions we can become united.
The Kugarra and Galatur.
Our own birthing partners, to listen to our own labours of love and all that stand in the way of them.
Often caused by our own destructive use of the Masculine.
With deep acceptance we can then re-seed from the hybrids we are becoming.
The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.
Only then can we reclaim our place here on Earth, in this body as the ever-evolving homo-luminous.
Tree pic and apple and light
The light bringer/ worker/ carrier delivered by the Dark Goddess ready to sprout and grow into physical manifestation.
Becoming, embodying the Sacred union of all we came here to be.
Our true “ME”
The juiciest fruit, now ripe, to be eaten.
Each morning I shall birth you another day, a new light, a fresh start to see me.
Each breath a new chance to know me.
Each lesson a chance to discover me.
Each emotion a chance to feel me.
All I ask is that you do so with the reflection and change of the moon.
The hope and awe of the sunrise.
Riding my waves with the balance of your open surrendered heart.
And I shall see you seeing me
And together we shall create each moment.
Kirsty dignam 2017
Are you hungry?