” Surrender to what is.
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be”
It’s 5:55 in the morning.
I surrendered at 1.11, at least I thought I had.
At 2:22 I found myself drinking coffee having gone to bed unsuccessfully seeking my slumber.
3:33 I began writing.
And at 5:55 I am finished, for now, with the healing that has occurred.
The last few months I have been on a journey not only with Tarot but myself.
At the precipice of jumping from a story so old, I’m not sure where it began, I re-encountered these pictorial keys to my own psyche after well over a decade of turning my back on them.
Well, I can look back a little, a quick glimpse.
I, like so many others I know, had gone into Tarot at a slightly disempowered level.
I can’t remember the first time I had picked them up but recall putting them down, away, from my energy as many times as I had could count!
Developing alongside them internally I have experienced so many sides to these multifaceted tools from prediction, which personally left me spiritually bypassing any responsibility and down a very dark, necessary slippery slope through to healing and magical work.
It had unfortunately come to a point within my own career that I had no real place in the then current philosophy of divination.
Having been on the controlling powerless side of fortune telling I longed to see, and aid other, to the wonderful intuitive reflective insights I had found whilst “shuffling the cards”.
I began to notice a regular pattern, once something came up a deep level of counseling and communication occurred, this all led by the client ( mainly friends for free) and before we could even try to “predict” anything the outcome had changed merely from what I now know as the healing power behind the Tarot.
Like any modality be it Reiki, crystals, sounds or plant medicine the Tarot have an energy of their own incorporating colors, Planets, Gods and Goddesses, the Tree of Life, Kabballah, numerology the list is endless making them an almighty source of potential.
Did I mention they reflect you back to you?!
We’re pretty awesome right?!
Unfortunately, due to the great confusion occurring around the time of huge change many didn’t want to be facilitated, understandably it had been hard energetically for us all and people wanted to be “told what to do”.
For me personally, this didn’t work.
So, I stepped back, stripped away old beliefs incorporated other modalities, and on hindsight other aspects of my soul, until I could return, older, wiser to begin a new journey upon my own tree of existence.
I thought I had been.
For several months I had been journeying with the Tarot and journaling, writing blog after blog I could feel purpose and passion.
Yet I could also feel a slight sense of familiarity.
Looking backward enough now, last night or rather the whole of this morning I have been pondering with an idea, a possible new venture on so many levels.
You see I had become so overburdened by the knowledge I “had to get out there”, the messages were reiterating my journey so far just in different ways.
Just as I was!
It had become the longest “reading” I had ever partaken in!
This wasn’t the power I had come to rediscover through the Tarot, I was here to learn how to move forward to truly heal my past, to do that these secret keys to my subconscious stared my, and I feel the collective situation, back at me.
There was some completion, my wedding, my move, future travel plans, healings, but the actual relationship I had with the Tarot and to myself, felt very similar. Moments of excess, insights so bright I couldn’t see, and a deep desire to soak it codependently up.
I needed the con-forming of my own inner nation, I still hadn’t connected to the deeper intuitive potential of my soul.
Performing my own reading a few days I gazed at the Devil and ten of wands aware of the chained burden I felt yet twisted the story to show I could cope, marveled at the indecision in the two of swords within my ego related solar plexus and totally snubbed the idea of just letting it all go.
I was on a mission!
I had traveled and heard the introduction of a possible book from Spirit, and begun to fill my head with ideas of old tales and synchronicities that would blow people’s heads open, all the while feeling my body twist and turn at the thought of reliving an old pattern.
I showered and clearly received I was to write what I saw, that the Tarot would aid this, it would be a chance to channel messages from the Earth as there is/ was much to be heard.
The love filled my heart, daunted yes, but free in that moment from ego I knew to detach, as I would in any reading, my own judgments, and become the glorified toilet tube of Spirit I was being asked to step into, the hollow bone.
And yet last night!
Overwhelm, pure and simple.
I had placed so many things I adored on the back burner, friends, family, my own health in a mad panic to complete these precious words.
To get them “out there” and help so many!
Was I any closer?
No, in fact, I was even further from the shore than when I started, constantly being pulled back by many alterations and one major wave.
I was repeating the past, I needed to let go and truly travel the subconscious waters of the Tarot in order to connect to my own inner shaman, for this indeed was and is always a journey.
I could only empower from the level that I found myself in, how then could I facilitate the progress of others, stationary?
My next move needed to be that, a total energetic relocation, a shift into the new consciousness I had felt Pachamama so desperately calling her children from.
Yesterday I had the honor to be part of collective healing regarding the release of human frailty. For me and indeed I believe many of us, this appears to come from carrying so much of our past around.
Obvious when it is trauma.
But what about the subconscious pain behind holding onto the pleasant?
The view from such difficult paths, which had become the Hero’s story.
We can harbor these on a much deeper level, measuring our self-worth alongside them until we become addicted to repeating the same patterns to show us our own inner strength and light.
For me, it was obviously my connection to spirit and the Earth. Bombarded by synchronistic messages I lapped them up until my spiritual road threatened to become boggy.
Thankfully, I guess due to previous experience for which I am thankful, I soon recognised the weight and with great support let it go.
Using my body, the ultimate tool, I recognised the now artificial feelings of entangled love these memories brought up. The disservice I had placed on the feelings behind them.
And I began to work, truly work on releasing the past from my mind so my heart could transform.
My, no, the blogs all 99 of them, deleted, each word, each step, and although my mind cried at the sacrilege my heart feels so light.
I have 11 now, mainly poems and have promised that each thing written will be new, not based on the old, I cannot in my own role or connection keep reading from the old map, I have seen that scenic route and know over the horizon awaits so much more.
So, on the day I would have written up my experiences with the Death card, I have instead become the Archetype within me, guiding and releasing what no longer serves my highest good.
Looking around now I wonder if that’s it, was it really that simple.
It wasn’t easy, how I struggled and yet it felt so very necessary.
I can feel excitement and hope in the not knowing, the surrender to my higher power to now guide me around my inner globe, I can release all planned physical excursions and recognise the true value and importance of this moment.
Not only for myself but collectively, I now feel a new way of working alongside Spirit and the many tools a simplistic, equal partnership on a very deep level.
This along with any change cannot occur if we, I, continue to return to our old ways.
In this current paradigm, I have noticed not only how quickly the physical manifestations are, but the work people are causing themselves and ultimately the Earth.
We mirror her, ourselves and each other.
With much hope in my heart I pray we let go of the labels, beliefs, and past stories all of them, the good, the bad the indifferent, they do not gauge our worth, we were born with it.
We cannot take them with us, only the love we felt as us from them, which continues to dilute the more we explain, rationalise, exaggerate or hold onto it, creating more lessons, more fixes from outside sources, or reflections!
For now, as my new passport falls through the letterbox, my internal Sat Nav is the vision that we rise again like the sun, now winking out of my window, because a new day has and does dawn every day if we choose to see it.
I for one would like to see some different paths for manKIND and the much-needed hue-man evolution we have all been waiting, “reading” about and working extremely hard towards.